Philadelphia. Pennsylvania. AMERICA. Are you ready for the Hopper Brother’s Totally Tasteful Tribute to Those We’ve Lost in 2009?
No? Well, you know what they say- there’s nothing better than a little music to grease the wheels of uncertainty. Check out this cover of Michael Jackson’s “P.Y.T.”. We like to call it “Musicalube”.
See you on the 30th!
Lately the PJI offices have been a shitstorm of a flurry of activity. There are only ten days and counting until Opening Night and Also Closing Night of The Mike Connor Travelogues (featuring a set from Philly improv powerhouse Rare Bird Show). This show probably ranks like first or third on the list of The Biggest Events in the Course of Human History, so you can imagine how insane things are here at PJI headquarters.
Pictured: The chaos at PJI Headquarters. PJI is an equal-opportunity employer.
We figured, “Why not frost this chaos cake with some buttercream madness”? So in celebration of the ridiculous arsenal of comedic talent we’ve assembled for the upcoming show, we came up with exactly two brilliant ideas. Idea #1: send the performers a mini-survey and post their brilliant responses here on the PJI blog. Idea #2: build a twenty-foot replica of Mr Peanut out of airline peanuts, and blow it up (sending peanuts peanuts flying as far as the forces of physics will allow). We couldn’t find any good explosioning music, and also we can’t afford the insurance. So you’re gettin’ cast surveys. Deal with it.
CAST INTERVIEW #1
Name
Michael Connor
Hometown
Penndel, Pennsylvania
Stage Name
Michael James Peter Thaddeus Reginald Buckingham Milford Brett-Connor III esq.
Credits Include:
The N Crowd, The Hopper Brothers
Favorite Onstage Moment
I changed a line in a play to include my friend’s name who was in the audience and implied that he was learning disabled. No one else in the audience knew I did it. But I did. And my friend did. And when you watch the footage that was shot from that night’s performance, you can hear him boo as I left the stage. What are friends for if not to imply they’re learning disabled?
Any good travel horror stories (besides the ones you’re telling Nov. 12th, of course)?
In Die Hard with a Vengeance, the bombs are made of these two chemicals. Separately, the chemicals are harmless. However, when you combine them, they become highly explosive. Similarly, my sister can go for a drive and nothing will happen. I can go for a drive and nothing will happen. But when my sister and I go for a drive together, we always have car trouble.
Why are you doing this show?
I took this long trip. I had all these crazy experiences. I want to tell people about ‘em.
Why do you do comedy?
In first grade Mrs. Dougherty gave out awards to each kid at the end of the year: good speller, good builder, good drawer, etc. I got an award for best sense of humor. I knew then that I would grow up to be an unemployed, judgmental goon with no discernible skills other than finding fault in the way other people live their lives. Thanks, Mrs. Dougherty.
It’s the blog post that America has been waiting for! Our final installment of Travelogues. Philly funny man Mike Connor has been flying from city to city to city, having adventures and reporting them via SMS message. He’s been to Austin, San Francisco, Boston, NYC, West Virginia, Pittsburgh, and New Orleans. In the final chapter, he hits up the Plaiding-est city that ever Plaid-ed: Seattle, WA. After that he’s off to prance on the sandy beaches of Orlando, Florida.
The mighty Space Needle: America’s Most Interesting Needle ™
9/27/2009
[6:25:34 PM] Just landed in seattle. Cant wait to try to some this jam made from pearls.
[10:10:48 PM] Apparently my friend candice lives in seattle’s skid row. Seattle’s skid row is akin to philly’s olde city.
9/28/09
[05:16:17 PM] Ive seen the space needle. Seen some coffee roasters. Seen some dudes throw some fish around. What else do ya got for me, seattle?
[05:50:03 PM] They say seattle has a starbucks on every corner. Theyre right. Just like every other city. So shut up, and buy me a latte.
9/29/09
[02:41:10 AM] In san fran it was bed bugs. In new orleans it was mosquitos. Now im in seattle & have some gnarly spider bites. Next stop: new smyrna beach, fla the sharkbite
[07:28:09 PM] Some floss. Some floss. My kingdom for some floss.
[08:12:08 PM] Bushmills black label whiskey is called “black bush.” that was a skit on chapelle’s show.
10/01/2009
[06:37:17 PM] I totally saw this chick that was not hot. She got nearer & i thought she was retarded. Then she got even nearer & i realized she wasnt retarded just not hot.
[08:23:08 PM] What am i doing? Oh only doubling my high score on Word Warp. Thats all.
10mph. That’s how they roll on Orlando. Slow and eeeeasy.
10/03/2009
[02:10:51 AM] Boarding my final flight to orlando & alls well
[11:58:44 AM] Disney World: what kind of mickey mouse operation are they running here?
[06:59:20 PM] Entered a raffle for a free tatoo. Came dangerously close.
10/04/09
[06:19:53 PM] Hmmm… What should i do? Oh how bout run along the beach and get all hot then dive in an ocean as warm as a tub and calm as a lake? Yeah. That sounds fuckin great
[08:17:03 PM] Aint gonna let the elevator break us down. Oh no! Lets go!
10/05/09
[12:01:19 AM] The atlantic ocean. Oh and the full moon. And the near cloudless sky. And the mellow tropical breeze. And the dry roasted peanuts. Oh yeah and the beer too.
[04:35:12 PM] Fill in the blank: when you’ve got nothing to do but sit beside the ocean in a tropical paradise and watch monday night football in a tiki bar, life is ________
[05:46:51 PM] Black cherry jim beam es moi dangerous.
10/06/09
[05:18:19 PM] Saw a shark when i was swimming! I hauled ass to the shore in complete girlish terror & got bit by a crab. Escapin a shark & bit by a crab: Is that ironic?
[07:12:16 PM] Yesterday was watchin football drinkin pitchers listenin to the ocean. Today is watching baseball drinkin guiness listenin to a band play irish music.
10/08/09
[02:17:13: PM] Home again. Home again. Lickety split.
Well folks, that’s the final Travelogues text. The bad news is that this means Mike’s journey has come to an end. The good news is that PJI is turning his adventures into a live comedy show featuring some of Philadelphia’s finest improvisers. The show is scheduled for Thursday, Nov 12th. Stay tuned for details!
Mike’s next stop is in New Orleans, where he’s privy to fine jazz, alligator meat, and gorgeous scenes like these:
Let’s see what Mike’s up to now, shall we?
9/21/2009
[2:16:58] Talk about friendly. If you tell a new orleanian you’re a tourist be prepared for 3 hours of tips on where to go. Cafe du monde: great. Bourbon street: eh
[3:00:20 PM] Don’t know whats better: powerade after a jog along the bayou or this fat alligator sausage. Air conditioning trumps them both.
[8:02:41 PM] Im on bourbon street. Just walked by three cops while holding an open container. They smiled & nodded. Fuckin n’awlins.
[8:53:03 PM] Bourbon street… Live jazz… Cold beer… So much pleasure… Ahhhh
[10:55:02 PM] The douchebag in me is disapponted by the lack of tits ive seen on bourbon street. But the asshole in me is slowly getting wasted.
A blurry party is a good party.
9/22/2009
[6:05:20 PM] Ive heard beer before liquor, never been sicker. How bout beer before food?
[6:12:59 PM] Dale earnhardt jr. Is doin life insurance commercials with old pictures of his dad in them. I guess, if youre dad dies, you may as well profit off it.
[6:40:33 PM] A nice joplin rag played on a caliope. I fuckin love new orleans.
[6:56:14 PM] So in new orleans coffee, cream, and doughnuts is called cafe au lait and beignets.
A cafe au lait and beignets.
[8:26:30 PM] “New Orleans: we put the FUN in funeral” best bumper sticker ever
[9:24:33 PM] Walked into a random bar. A random band was playing. They rocked “when the saints go marchin in.” As the bible says “make a joyful noise” thats joyful as crap.
[10:51:10 PM] I actually came to new orleans and have to listen to a band cover “isnt it ironic”. Jesus fuckin ballsack
9/23/2009
[4:10:05 PM] Wow. Dont trust new orleans taxi drivers. Fuckin ripoff artists. Now im fuckin stranded.
[6:10:36 PM] Im standing on a levee
[6:21:01 PM] No lie. The street that runs parallel to the levees is called Leake Street. Aptly named
9/24/2009
[12:40:11 AM] Holy shit. Katrina is the saddest shit ever. Everyone down here has a story. Each one is more devastating than the next. Im on a street car ready to cry.
[10:20:01 AM] Tryin to sleep at the airport but a crying baby woke me up. Add insult to injury, its the ugliest goddamn baby ive ever seen.
That’s all she wrote! Next time: Mike pays a visit to Seattle’s Skid Row.
It’s been over a week since our last Travelogues update. What the hell has that Mike Connor been up to? Sleeping? Shopping? Parasitic infestations? Your guess is as good as ours. Luckily, Mike is texting PJI-PDA/S* Alexis Simpson with all the dirty deeds he’s doing dirt cheap.
We bet there are no fewer than 100 albums in this store with the name “Mike” on the cover. WHO’S GAME?!?
9/15/2009
[1:45:07 AM] As tony bennet sang: “i left my pedometer in san francisco”
[2:27:36 AM] I think my hostel had bed bugs. I woke up with bites all over my body. Sexy leper styles.
IT’S BEAN-TOWN, BABY!
The World Famous Big Green Monster
[2:39:18 PM] 3 days of breathing in my cousins house in boston is not unlike three days of breathing on the surface of venus. She smokes a lot. My lungs hurt.
[5:06:12 PM] Just had a sighting of a Vick jersey up here in boston. Thats those puritan dogfighters for ya.
[5:38:33 PM] Im at the bar at the top of the prudential building. Fancy schmancy. I shouldnt be allowed in here. Some economic jim crow law should kick in. No poor folks!
PITTSBURGH/WEST VA/NEW ORLEANS, AKA THE CONTINENTAL US TRIFECTA
9/18/2009
[5:26:35 PM] Made it to Pittsburgh. Waitin on my ride to west virginia. If one more person starts singing “country roads”…We get it. The song mentions the state.
One of them country roads John Denver was always prattling on about.
9/20/2009
[9:37:49 AM] Sittin in the pittsburgh airport. Goin on 2 hours of sleep. Whose idea was it to stay up til 330? New orleans, get ready for a weary traveler.
[12:36:16 PM] Tryin to get a nap during a layover in nyc airport. Some fuckin kid tried to open the jetway door at this gate & it set out this loud ass alarm. Fuckin kids.
[5:16:09 PM] Just landed in the big easy. Gonna take some revenge for what the saints did to our eagles.
[6:24:24 PM] Dude n’awlins is hot. Like stinkin hot. Like really stinkin. Maybe i should cool off with a dip in the gulf.
Tune in next time as Mike hopes for more frequent boobie sightings. We all pray that you will, Mike. We all pray that you will.
*Philadelphia Joke Initiative Producing Artistic Director/Superman, of course.
It’s time for the third installment in PJI’s Travelogues series. We follow Mike Connor’s adventures as he traipses across the US on a 30-day plane ticket. When we last left Mike, he had just put his feet in the mighty Pacific for the very first time… and all he could think was “is that all there is? Very Peggy Lee, Mike. Very.
Mike is texting PJI with all the happenings of his 21st-century hobo trek, and we’re posting them all right here. Thrill as he crosses the famed Golden Gate Bridge! Delight as he makes peace UN-style after the worst German “bombing” since World War 2! Laugh as he becomes the very thing he hates most! Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Connor’s Travelogues.
San Francisco continues
Mike Connor at the famous Golden Gate Bridge, wearing his fart-blocking headphones
9/11/2009
[10:06:36 PM] Just ran across the muthafuckin’ golden gate. Made that bridge my bitch. The bridge was like “oh im so long” and i was like “shut up bridge and make me dinner!”
[11:20:08 PM] San fran has a joint selling “philly cheese steaks” on market street. Whats up culinary diaspora
9/12/2009
[4:59:56 AM] Tired. Its amazing how these four days of fun have caught up to me. Been on a glee bender. After a good nights sleep ill be hikin & eatin & chillin again.
[5:38:16 AM] Wow! This one dude was just wearing a Golden State Warriors tshirt! Who knew there were actual Warriors fans out there? Chris Mullin yo
[1:41:03 PM] A hard dumpin german busted the toilet in our room at the hostel. The first real tribulation of the trip thus far.
[11:32:58 PM] The entire city by the bay smells of weed. Its like you look around wondering who’s smoking then you realize everyone is.
Hippies, I'll bet. Probably high on the power grass, too.
9/13/09
[1:49:09 AM] Brought the UN contingent to the bar. 2 yanks 2 kiwis a frog and a swede
[11:09:05 PM] Not sure if this frenchy is awkward cause he doesn’t speak english or just awkward in general… Like even without subtitles.
[2:22:32 PM] Checked out of my hostel. Flight isnt til midnight. Unshowered walkin around union square w/ a giant backpack… My god… Ive become a hippie!
[2:38:25 PM] I dont know if my last fart was audible to the folks on the street because im listening to my ipod.
FIN
Well, Fin on San Francisco. So more like San Fin-cisco. Or Fin Francisco. Or San Fran-Fin-co is kind of catchy. When you say it, not when you write it. Oh, nevermind. Just join us next time when we catch up with Mike in Boston U.S.A, okay?
Part two in a series where we follow comedian Mike Connor on his 30-day journey around the continental US. Mike departed Philadelphia on September 8th and has been updating PJI staff member Alexis Simpson via text message. She’s posting his updates, word for word, character for character. Join us in progress as Mike finishes up business in the Lone Star State and heads to everyone’s favorite flower child Mecca.
Austin, continued.
9/09/2009
[11:20:51 PM] i was worried that i would have to embelish some of my experiences. After two days on the road i realize itll be hard to decide what NOT 2 talk about.
9/10/2009
[7:10:47 AM] A transvestite? In texas? At six in the morning? Sheesh.
***FLIGHT #2: Austin to San Francisco***
[12:43:47 PM] Touched down in San Fran. Im thirsty. Maybe ill drink some of this harveymilk ive heard about. Do they have chocolate harveymilk? Maybe ill see a harveycow!
[12:50:36 PM] Maybe a good show title could be “boy are my arms tired”
[3:24:44 PM] If there were an indy rock band from the Amsterdam Hostel in san francisco they’d be called the Ill Fitting Sheets and their single would be an itunes sensation.
[8:06:15 PM] After five hours in san fran i realize there are 2 types of people here: gay dudes & cute little asian chicks & they wear the same clothes. Also hippies & bums.
9/11/2009
[6:17:47 AM] Just stood in the pacific for the first time in my life. Feels like the atlantic. Tastes like smuckers… It has to be good.
[2:00:24 PM] ”i’ve got nothing to do today but smile” -paul simon. Pretty lazy, paul.
And that’s the news that’s fit to text!
Special Edition! Tonight at Midnight EST, Alexis is participating in a 24-hour improv marathon as part of the Philly Fringe Festival. During the entire 24 hours, any text message she receives - including those from Mr Connor - will be used as her next line of dialogue! With a promise like that, this should get niiiiiiiice and ugly.
If you can’t make the show in person, watch online at www.24hrimprov.com
Life is imitating art. Philly-based joke maestro and N Crowd member Mike Connor is spending 30 consecutive days traveling across the country on an open-ended plane ticket. Connor is the co-creator of 2008 Fringe hit The Hoppers Hit the Road, a tale of two brothers that leave the creature comforts of their Glenside safe haven to pursue their dream of music stardom. So it’s sort of familiar territory for him to pack his things and skip out of this one-horse town.
We’re currently in Phase 1 of the project, which involves reposting Mike’s text messages to Producing Artistic Director/Superman Alexis Simpson. Alexis will be reposting Mike’s updates here on the PJI blog, word for word and character for character, for better or worse. Now, Mike has never been one to mince words, or refrain from using … “colorful expressions”. We don’t muzzle artists, so just be prepared that there might be some content inappropriate for the faint of heart.
So hang on tight, folks. Hats Off! to Phase 1 of the Mike Connor Travelogues.
9/08/2009
[11:42:58 PM] 1st day of my trip & 1st weirdness. Ya know when ya think someones a bum cause its dark but then ya take a picture w a flash & realize they r dressed nice?
[11:55:21] Just had a pleasant interaction with someone who identified hinself as a dallas cowboys fan. Must have filed down the horns. Damn jews– er i mean cowboys fans.
9/09/2009
[1:02:31 AM] Got to the juke joint with stevie & louie. Stevie found me initially. Louie has the pot leaf tatoo on his neck. Smoked a joint in public. Now checkin a band.
[4:18:45 AM] You’d never guess but the people still awake at a hostel at 3am are unapologetic hippies. “false preacher man”? Ooh. How subtle. Jesus fuck
[4:21:43 AM] Oh wait he just went in a medley from john fogerty’s bad moon rising to neil young’s old man. Jesus fuckin cock all bastard shit
[4:24:57 AM] Now the medley has medleyed to no woman no cry. And my wrists have medleyed to slittable. Thanks random hippie dude
[9:52:10 PM] Today, for the first time in my life, someone said “have you seen the bats?” without it leading to rabies.
[9:53:50 PM] Also, i smell exactly like the colorado river. Exactly. Like, i’ll bet i could fool a dog. A dog would be like “thats not a person, its an ecosystem.”
[11:22:31 PM] Today i saw a hot chix boobs then immediately saw an old man in a thong. It was like seeing birth & death in one moment. Terrifying yet hopeful
That’s round one! Kepe come back for more updates from Mike as he belittles hippies all across the country!